side hugs & silent presence

Someday, I think,
my once-was husband,
Anthony, and I
will together laugh at how
comically mismatched
we were as partners,
if not as friends.

For now, though,
we exist in a mess
of interwoven
grace and
grief.

Anthony
has always
encouraged me
to write openly–
and publish–
whatever’s in my heart-
yes, even when
it’s about
him.

But here?
I want him to,
if called to do so,
write about him;

I will write
about
me.

I use so many words,
people are often
fooled into thinking
I like them.

My best friend
has never been
thusly confused.

Some of my favorite moments
involve sitting side-by-side
with him as he plays video games
while I read, or write,
or listen to music,
or quietly reflect.

At load screens,
he’ll smile at me affectionately,
pull me in for a side hug,
and just sit there for a moment
before letting go and
resuming playing.

No
words
required.

Lovey
emotional fireworks
are not and (I only recently grokked)
will never be
my thing.

Side hugs and
silent presence?

These are my things
(and, I know, not only mine;
my heart sang when I read this sentiment
in someone else’s words
not an
hour
ago).

Being partnered
is not and has never been
my thing;

I am content
alone.

So deep does
this orientation run,
I was shocked–
completely astonished–
to recently understand
that people actually
intentionally seek out
coupled partnership.
They don’t typically just
perceive themselves as
eventually trading
personal space for
enhanced make-out privileges
and call it
good (enough).

For me
to understand what’s more customary,
I had to experience
a moment–even just
a split-second–
of feeling it
myself.

I was
confused
and disoriented.

What on earth
do people do
with such
strange
feelings?!

I am still
nowhere near clear
on the matter;

I have no intuition
whatsoever for
such things.

What I am
(somewhat)
clear on is that,
finally understanding
what does and does not
work for me,
I must be clear,
internally and externally,
about that,
instead of trying
to contort myself
into being someone
I am not
and cannot
be.

I am
and will always be
content within long stretches
of solitude.

If I do
ever partner again,
it will be because
I’ve found
something even better
than solitude:
side hugs and
silent presence,

just …
non-platonically,
with make-out privileges
on top.

2 thoughts on “side hugs & silent presence

  1. It makes my heart glad that you remain friends. That’s rare I think. I am also happy that you are making progress on you individual journey. Good for you. My heart goes out to you for any sadness that you may be enduring. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks all around, Dani. I am so, so grateful for his friendship; it’s hard to imagine him ever not being one of my dearest friends. This is indeed a fortunate place to be, grief and all. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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