the beauty now

This morning,
I am laughing
at myself.

I haven’t been laughing
all morning, mind you;
quite the opposite!

For:

Yesterday morning,
I was triggered by
something I saw
on Twitter.

Instead of walking away,
I dove in, despite my husband
saying, “Deb, please. You are
deep in trauma.
Get off Twitter.
Do not
do this!”

One hour ago:

Twenty hours and
dozens of grumpy tweets later,
I was side by side with my six-year-old
in bed.

He was waiting for me
to read to him.

“Just a sec, hon, just a sec,”
I said.

In my head, I was shouting,
“Someone said something
wrong on Twitter! I
must
reply
first!”

This moment was
a turning point–one
where I started
to break
a smile.

I flashed back to
my husband’s
warning yesterday
and thought,
Hey!
He was on to something!

I am like 
a
totally
different
person
in the frequent cesspool
that is Twitter!

This led me back to
something my older son said,
about which I wrote in
(appropriately)
a post I called
Turning points“:

“What’s PTSD again?”
he asked.

He answered his own question:

“Oh, right! It’s when you can’t tell the difference
between the past and the present.”

On Twitter,
(anywhere,
in trauma, really)
I can’t
tell the difference
between the past
and the present:

Now falls away.

Seeing this,
I started laughing
at myself, and saw also
that the solution is the one
my husband proposed yesterday:

GET
OFF
TWITTER.

Be.
Here.

Seeing the difference
between (remembering trauma) now
and (living its sources) then,
I stepped out of
my ten-year-old self
and back into
this day,
present.

I left Twitter
with a picture
and a handful of words:

“Now, time to back AWAY from remembered traumas & INTO this beautiful now ♥”

If I’m wise,
and kind to myself,
I’ll stay off Twitter,
at the very least
until I’m more skillful
at quickly noticing
I’m falling into the past
and thus losing
all the beauty
that
is
now

2 thoughts on “the beauty now

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